There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship or a marriage but feeling more alone than ever. We try and pull closer and they just pull away. But what are the emotionally distant husband signs?
An emotionally distant husband may show some of all of the following signs:
- Being indifferent to activities
- Being inflexible
- Getting defensive easily
- Being overly critical of you
- Giving the silent treatment
- Being unwilling to talk about his feelings
- Taking from the relationship more than he gives
But those are just a few of the signs.
Let’s face it. Life is hard and having a partner who has your back and is in this fight with you is incredibly rewarding. But for the wife with an emotionally distant or broken husband, that’s just not reality.
So in this post, we’re diving deep into all the emotionally distant husband signs in great detail.
Once you know the signs you can decide if that applies to your husband. Then we’ll walk through some crucial steps to try and fix your broken marriage.
An emotionally distant husband can make you feel so alone; even in his presence. And while it can take some marriages down, it doesn’t have to destroy and otherwise committed relationship.
The turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom.
I’ve been in your shoes. You want to stop hurting. And you desperately want to restore trust, mutual acceptance, and respect to your marriage; even with a husband who struggles to share his feelings.
Luckily, all hope is NOT lost, and there is something you can do, even if your spouse seems reluctant or unsure.
The website Regain offers licensed therapists who specialize in couples counseling and will work directly with you and your spouse online; anytime and from anywhere.
This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Regain does:
“I was apprehensive about having a male couple’s counselor at first, but he has been amazing. We were close to ending our relationship but over time we’ve worked on our foundation and also expanding our communication. We would not be together if it weren’t for the direction from Tom (and the work we’ve done as well).”
Serious about saving or improving your relationship?
CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if Regain is right for you.
1. Indifference
An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions:
- Vacation destinations
- Conflict resolution
- or even where to eat dinner
At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship.
It also puts undue pressure as if things don’t go as planned the “fault” falls to you alone.
2. All flirt and no action
One of the big signs is when a man (or woman) is overly flirtatious.
I know that doesn’t sound right, but in my experience, emotionally distant or damaged people often try and mask the underlying pain with a bold personality.
While that doesn’t always translate into being extra flirty, it certainly can. When they are extra flirty, but it never leads to real emotional intimacy or quality time, that’s a clear sign.
3. The dreaded silent treatment
The silent treatment is a real relationship killer.
It is not, however, the same thing as just one person needing some space to cool down. The silent treatment is intentionally manipulative and designed to gain control over the other spouse.
Essentially they put themselves the driver’s seat of when or even if you get to share your feelings about the conflict.
I go into much greater detail on just how damaging the Silent Treatment (click to read on my site) is in another highly shared Pinterest post. How much it can damage your relationship will definitely surprise you.
So if that’s a warning sign you’re seeing, make sure and check out my tips on how to work past that in your relationship.
4. Unwilling to talk about damage from his past
We all have a past.
Some of us, of course, have a more damaged past than others. But even something as commonplace as a divorce when your husband was a young child can have devastating effects.
If every time you bring up something from his past he clamps down like a clamshell protecting a pearl, that’s a clear sign. So getting to the root of the issue is the big first step.
While the post is designed for the damaged, my most shared post on Twitter walks us through how to Let Go of the Past (click to read on my site) and move forward.
But it’s also great for those of us married to someone unwilling to talk about his or her past.
5. He takes more than he gives
Emotional attachment can be really uncomfortable for a man who sees vulnerability as a gateway to getting hurt. Deep emotions are scary due to something in his past.
So that trauma can create an avoidant attachment style.
One of the big downsides of that is it may often feel like you give and give and give and get nothing in return. As you give and get little in return the net effect is you’ll feel exhausted, emotionally drained, and the love you once felt for him will be replaced by apathy.
But serious relationships need at least a certain amount of real connection for the relationship to work.
If your marriage is failing, then check out this quick video on the 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage that will help get yours back on track.
6. Inflexible on his routine
The emotionally distant husband is essentially hiding from their feelings or emotions. Often (but not always) it’s because of some type of emotional trauma they experienced as a child.
One of the effects of that is that now in adulthood, they seek to control everyone and everything since whatever the underlying issue is made them feel helpless and out of control.
So if this is a red flag you’re seeing, don’t be surprised if you find him completely inflexible on what he does, where he goes, and maybe even what he thinks you should be doing.
His insecurity essentially turns him into a control freak.
Spock was my first childhood crush and the root for my love of emotionally unavailable men. #RIPSpock pic.twitter.com/TZGRtBTFFh
— Zaharoula Katsikis (@Zaharoula_K) February 27, 2015
7. He’s filled with excuses and defensiveness
When people are control freaks and seek to control everything and everyone around them, they often also have trouble admitting mistakes.
Thus, it’s not uncommon for emotionally distant husbands to come up with a lot of excuses instead of taking true ownership of something they did. When pressed about their actions, behavior, and mistakes, they also tend to get overly defensive.
Don’t get me wrong, no one likes apologizing when they screw up.
But one of the key signs of unavailable men is when nothing is ever their fault (and often he’ll claim it’s yours).
8. No matter how much you get from him you feel empty
When we’re with a spouse that gives us little to no true emotional connection we sometimes find ourselves feeling like a man dying of thirst in the desert.
And when does do something for you, like buy you flowers, treat you to a surprise dinner, or some other gesture, it can still feel really empty.
The reason is that those types of things, while thoughtful, don’t require an emotional investment. Thus, since you’re already starved for emotional connectedness, it has the effect of giving that dying man a thimble full of water and expecting it to quench his thirst.
9. He lies to you (and it doesn’t seem to bother him)
Steps to mindfully deal with your difficult emotions.
Via The Gottman Institute.#emotional#emotion#healing#acceptance@RespectYourself pic.twitter.com/J1NySzzcyS— Laura Corbeth (@laura_corbeth) June 12, 2018
If someone is emotionally shut off from you then lying about things to you is no big deal.
It’s not that he doesn’t care for you, but the defensive wall is built up so high, it becomes easy to justify the lie and in his head, make it seem like it doesn’t matter.
A truly emotionally whole man who lies is literally torn apart out of feelings of guilt over the lie. So emotional distance almost always points to a sort of indifference towards you or his own misbehavior.
10. You have no idea what he is thinking
We all crave an emotional connection with our spouse.
After all, this person should be the one we confide in the most, with whom we share our most personal thoughts, and who we trust the most.
But for the wife of an emotionally disconnected husband, that connection just isn’t there (or barely there).
As a result, while he most likely makes small talk, you often have no idea what he’s really feeling inside or what the details are of the things he’s doing or working on.
11. He is overly critical of you
We’ve already covered defensiveness, an unwillingness to take ownership of his actions, lying, being a control freak, and often they all lead to him verbally abusing you.
At best, while perhaps verbal abuse is too strong of a word, unavailable men can become overly critical of you.
The reasons for this are it gets him out of the hot seat. You’ll be so busy defending yourself you won’t have time (he hopes) to shine the spotlight on him.
12. You feel like you’re going it alone
We’ve already talked about how he can make you feel like a person dying of thirst in the desert.
When this is a long-term pattern of behavior, the end result is it often leaves you feeling completely alone in the marriage, desperate for that emotional connection.
Life can be challenging and one of the chief benefits of being married is having someone who has your back and who can be your shelter in the storm.
It also means having someone you can count on to pick you up when you’re down.
Without that support, it’s like being single (but with someone else in the room). At best, you’ll get financial support, but still be craving that emotional support.
If your marriage is failing, then check out this quick video on the 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage that will help get yours back on track.
13. He withdraws when you try to draw closer
When we feel like we’re all alone in the marriage, it naturally makes us want to pull closer.
After all, we aren’t getting our needs met. Going back to that man dying of thirst analogy I used above, the man will obviously be drawn towards the nearest source of water (in this case your husband).
The downside is, of course, an unavailable person isn’t likely going to be able to fulfill your needs.
In fact, most likely, he’ll withdraw the closer you try and get and it will end up like a game of cat and mouse; a lot of movement but neither of you feeling much satisfaction in the relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Is emotional distancing from a husband temporary or permanent?
Emotionally distant husbands often behave this way permanently unless their emotional distancing was triggered by an event such as a wife’s infidelity. But if they seek professional help, it can be made temporary.
But before we dive deeper, it’s worth asking whether his behavior is new or if he’s always been this way?
Unavailable people can get this way following some sort of traumatic event like:
- An affair
- The death of a close friend or loved one
- Something that makes him feel like a failure (such as a job loss)
- Unresolved trauma from past relationships
In those cases (especially if you had an affair), he retreats into his shell because it feels safe to him.
He’ll stay in his shell, avoiding talking about his feelings or being vulnerable, at least until he’s had time to process his feelings and deal with them.
If, however, your husband has always been emotionally unavailable, that’s a different story.
If he’s always been that way, the good news is it has nothing to do with you and is either rooted in some childhood trauma, or it may just be how he was raised and who he is.
That doesn’t make it easier to live with necessarily, but if you can come to terms with it, you may find peace with it.
If you’ve ever asked “Can Marriage Counseling Help, you won’t want to miss one of my most shared posts that really goes into detail about exactly how and if it can help you and your marriage.
Nothing gets better or even stays the same without nurturing and effort, and some type of relationship work is crucial even for healthy marriages.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
What causes an emotionally unavailable man?
The reason a man may be emotionally unavailable is typically tied to childhood trauma or how he observed his father interact with his mother. A boy raised to be the “strong silent type” and discouraged to be vulnerable and share his feelings may be emotionally unavailable as an adult.
But husbands can also become emotionally distant due to an event triggering a withdrawal, such as a wife’s affair.
We men aren’t always encouraged at a young age to show emotion or be vulnerable. We often feel like we’re supposed to just get a grip, bite our lip, and keep going without showing any signs of weakness (paraphrasing Miranda Lambert intentional).
Ultimately, wives need to accept is that only their husband can decide to change his behavior and allow himself to be more emotionally connected with you.
While it’s always ok to tell him how his behavior makes you feel, make sure, and focus on your feelings and not your expectations of him.
When men feel like a failure it can have devastating and often opposite effects on us. While it might feel good at the moment to vent, it isn’t likely going to help improve the emotional intimacy.
No; it will likely make them worse. Also, remember that him being an unavailable partner has nothing to do with his love for you.
So don’t take it personally.
He may love you deeply but just be shut off from his ability to express it.
One of my best blog posts goes into the repeat negative behavior (click to read on my site) many of us engage in despite knowing better. More importantly, that article looks at how it CAN be overcome with awareness, time, and focus.
The terrible role childhood trauma can play for emotionally unavailable men
For some of us guys, the roots of being emotionally unavailable can go a little deeper.
In my case, while I wouldn’t describe myself as emotionally unavailable (I tear up a little watching The Notebook), I used to sabotage relationships before they could get to the next level.
I did that because at a young age almost everyone of importance left me.
This left me feeling scared of being rejected or being abandoned. Thus, I had a tendency to end things first so I was at least in control of it.
My mom and Dad divorced when I was about 6 months old and by the time I was 2, she was remarried and we were living 1000+ miles away from my dad.
I did see my birth father, but not often and it was decades before we became close. He too was exploring who he was as a closeted gay man coming to terms with being a gay father (click to read our story on my site), and so he was focused more on himself than being a dad.
My mom and step-father then divorced when I was approaching 11 due to his increasing alcoholism and physical abuse. He passed away just a few years later.
Despite his alcoholism, I still loved him very much and he was the man I called Dad until I was well in my 30’s. Still, Growing Up with an Alcoholic Father (click to read on my site) was tough as well.
If his emotional distance is the aftermath of an affair
Life isn’t always perfect and neither are we.
Sometimes when a spouse cheats on the other, it can have devastating effects on both. After all, even if he cheated, only the most heartless sociopaths don’t feel regret or remorse.
So if these distant partner signs are new and one of you had an affair, that’s obviously the issue here and what needs to be focused on in order to move past this.
The good news is that despite the devastating effect cheating has on a relationship, it doesn’t have to mean the end.
Your marriage CAN recover from an affair. In fact, you will likely find that once you go through the crucial steps to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity (click to read on my site).
I outline the crucial steps that must be taken after an affair, in my most pinned Pinterest post. An affair doesn’t have to mean the end, and with the right work, your marriage can be better than ever.
It will take time, but with patience, 100% ownership, and accountability, almost any marriage challenge can be overcome.
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(Image via https://t.co/geJ6sPcRmX) pic.twitter.com/69n7kCTV2Z
— Gottman Institute (@GottmanInst) January 21, 2019
But there’s a LOT more to be said about how to Rekindle a Marriage (click to read on my site)!
So if you’re in that boat, I highly recommend you take a moment and review some of the crucial steps I outline in one of my most shared Pinterest posts.
What do you do when your husband is emotionally distant?
Here are the key steps to take if your husband is emotionally distant:
- Recognizing if you played a role in his creating distance
- If you did, own it, verbally acknowledge it, and ask what you can do to fix it
- Don’t place expectations on him
- Appreciate him for exactly how he is (and tell him what you appreciate)
- Understand his love language may be very different from yours
- Communicate what you need from the relationship (but not in a demanding way or a way that makes him feel like a failure)
- Suggest couples’ counseling if it seems like the situation can’t resolve on its own
But really, we can’t change anyone but ourselves.
In a nutshell, when we have expectations of someone else, we’re setting ourselves up for frustration. We’re also setting them up to be resentful.
That doesn’t mean you have to just accept an unavailable husband. Emotional availability can improve over time with the right support and communication.
But you should strive to get to a place where you:
- Communicate how his actions make you feel
- Avoid being critical or sarcastic about him or his actions (but do focus on the impact you feel)
- Don’t make assumptions or read into his behavior – give him and his behavior the benefit of the doubt until you have actual evidence of something
I see this all the time in my friends’ relationships and in some of the marriage groups I am part of.
Often wives (but some husbands too) have very set expectations for their husbands and then explode when he doesn’t meet those.
Now if we’re talking about things like expectations that he won’t drive drunk or do drugs, that’s one thing.
But in many cases, we are drawn to our spouse because of certain personality traits and then, once married, have this false expectation that they should now change that behavior.
That expectation will set most marriages up to fail (or at least be miserable).
If your marriage is failing, then check out this quick video on the 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage that will help get yours back on track.
How do you connect with an emotionally unavailable man?
Instead of trying to “fix” an emotionally distant husband, focus on doing things to connect with him like:
- Have sex on a regular basis
- Don’t have expectations on how you think he should behave
- Accept him exactly as he is
- Have set times each week where you connect and just hang out (not on phones or watching TV)
- Share your feelings without blame or expectation of a specific response
- Have regular date nights
We already covered not having expectations of him.
So if you go into working on your marriage without placing expectations on him (which feels like pressure and stress to him), just focus on having fun, communicating, and getting back to the basics of your relationship.
Let’s look at a few of those things in greater detail:
1. Have sex
It can sometimes be hard to want to have sex with little to no emotional connection, but this is crucial for building (or restoring) a long-term emotional connection.
And it’s a huge part of a healthy relationship.
Sex is an important part of a marriage, and as I detail in a much-read article, it can be hard for a Marriage to Last Without Intimacy (click to read on my site).
For Wives: If your husband seems emotionally distant, or if he seems focused on work first and everything else seco… pic.twitter.com/zzPUl77MM7
— A. R. Bernard (@ARBernard) August 16, 2016
2. Have set times each week where you connect
Put the phones down.
If you have kids, put them to bed (or if they’re old enough just let them hang out and watch TV in another room). Just talk. Maybe enjoy a cup of coffee together Sunday mornings or a glass of wine together on a Saturday night.
Connect about your week and how things are going. It may be small talk at first, but it’s about building (or rebuilding) connection and it will grow.
3. Share your feelings without blame
When we are angry or frustrated, it’s natural for us to want to vent.
In the aftermath of something like an affair that’s OK for a while, but we want and need to get to a place where we share our feelings without blame. Focus on how it makes you feel and not on criticizing him.
4. Schedule regular date nights
Date nights are great! Date nights probably built the original connection that drew you together in the first place.
Thus we need to get those back into our schedule and routine. Have a new baby in the house or too broke to go out? I’m familiar with both of those things.
The place, time, and cost of a “date night” is irrelevant.
Make time to do something fun (even with a baby in tow) where you just enjoy one another’s company. Even if that’s putting the baby in a stroller and going for a walk.
How do you live with an emotionally unavailable husband?
- Be a safe place for your husband to feel free to be himself
- Be patient with him
- Have an outlet for your feelings and frustrations (a good girlfriend or therapist)
- Don’t have expectations of him or expect him to change his behavior
- Do appreciate (verbally and otherwise) all the things about him you like
- Avoid passive-aggressive comments or sarcasm
Now let’s examine each of those in greater detail:
1. Be a safe place for your husband to feel free to be himself
We all need someone we can lean on and count on when the going gets tough.
And an emotionally unavailable partner or distant man will never open up if he doesn’t feel safe, accepted, and understood. So be that safe place for him where he can be himself without fear of judgment, ridicule, or expectation.
He can change and open up more, but he’ll never do that if he doesn’t feel safe.
2. Patience
The causes of his emotionally
Final thoughts
In today’s post, we took an in-depth look into what they used to call the “strong silent type” of man.
We talked about why a man might be emotionally unavailable and what to do about it. But specifically, we looked at some concrete emotionally distant husband signs; some obvious and some not so obvious.
Once you know the signs, then you can explore solutions and get your emotional needs met.
The turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom.
I’ve been in your shoes. You want to stop hurting. And you desperately want to restore trust, mutual acceptance, and respect to your marriage; even with a husband who struggles to share his feelings.
Luckily, all hope is NOT lost, and there is something you can do, even if your spouse seems reluctant or unsure.
The website Regain offers licensed therapists who specialize in couples counseling and will work directly with you and your spouse online; anytime and from anywhere.
This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Regain does:
“I was apprehensive about having a male couple’s counselor at first, but he has been amazing. We were close to ending our relationship but over time we’ve worked on our foundation and also expanding our communication. We would not be together if it weren’t for the direction from Tom (and the work we’ve done as well).”
Serious about saving or improving your relationship?
CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if Regain is right for you.